WHEN TO CALL YOUR DOCTOR FOR EYE INJURY
Call Your Doctor Now (night or day) If
Call Your Doctor Within 24 Hours (between 9am and 4pm) If
Call Your Doctor During Weekday Office Hours If
Parent Care at Home If:
HOME CARE ADVICE FOR MILD EYE INJURIES
Blood on Ocular Surface
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|Traumatic Eyelid Laceration|
Rupture of Cornea with Iris Prolapsing Out
Rupture of Cornea with Iris Prolapsing Out
Blood Layering out in Front Part of Eye
Da night bepor Christmas
An all tru da house
Not eben a mouse.
Da children dey nossie
all snog on da ploor
An Mama puts newspepper
Tru da crack on da dor.
Den Mama in da stobe
Roost up da manuk
Steer up da adobo
An make bake da biko.
Den out on da rud
Dey got such a clatter
Soun like old manong
Pull down da ladder.
I run so past
To open da dor
I trip ober da dog
An pull down on da ploor!
As I look out da dor
In da light ob da moon
I thinking "apo, you cresy
I'm gitting old too soon."
Becus dere on da rud
Wer I turn my head
Dere's eight carabao
Pulling a sled
An a little driber
Wit a big ishtick
I know right away
must be St Nick.
Mob paster an paster
Da carabao dey come
He wistle an holler
An call dem by nim:
Oy, Dong!, an' Bebe!
Cory, an Maria!"
To da top ob da porch
To da top ob da wall
Crawl da carabao
An dey neber pull.
Uncle Onsing's pighting chicken
Ober da rooptop he ply
Wen da big dog
He running by
Up to da porch
Da carabao he clim!
Wit da sled pull of toys
An St Nicklas behin.
Den on top of da porch roop
It soun like hell
Wer all dem carabaos
Sit down on der till.
Den down da chimney
I yill por long time
As St Nicolas pull down
An sit on de pire
"Jesus-Maria-Sep!", he exclim
"My pant hab a hole
Wen I sit down
On da rid hot coal,"
An jump like a cat
out to da ploor
Where he lan wit a splot!
He was dress in pur
Prom his head to his poot
An his clothes dey all dirty
Wit ashes an soot
A sock pull ob playting
He trow on his back
He look like a boorglar
An dats por a pahct.
His eyes how dey shine
His dimple, how mirrey!
Mebe he alredy drink
Da wine prom da birry.
His chik was like a rose
His nose like a chirry
On secon tought mebe
He drink up da shirry.
Wit snu-white chin wisker
An quibering billy
He shik wen he lop
Like da strubirry jelly!
But a wink in his eye
An a shake ob his hid
Mik my compidence dot
I no nid to be skirred.
He don' talk
He juss go to his woork
Put playting in sock.
An den he turn wit a jerk
He put bot his han
On top ob his hid
An look up da chimney
An den he said
"Wit all dat pire
An dat burning hot plim
I no go back
De sim way I kim."
So he run out da door
An he clim up da roop
He is no pool
Por to make one more goop.
He jump to his slid
An crock his big wip
Da carabaos mob down
An don mik one slip
An I hir him shout loud
Wit da carabaos he ply
"Mirry Christmas to all!
An to all a goodbye!"
The third eye notices when Abbie spilt juice on the rug and said it was Lizzie.
The third eye notices when you tell your mom you brushed your teeth for two minutes and you only brushed for one.
The third eye notices when you're supposed to be doing your homework and you're listening to music.
The third eye sees when you're on the phone for five minutes longer then you're supposed to be.
The third eye can tell when you have ice cream for dinner.
The third eye sees the invisible pole that you are just about to walk into.
The third eye sees the invisible monster who you can see.
The third eye sees everything you do so he knows what you did last summer.
The third eye sees your name written down but it doesn't know the number for 911.
The third eye sees you writting down his name but he doesn't know how to spell IT.
The third eye sees that he is blind.
The third eye sees that it's being disrespected so he will see you to your funeral.
The Third eye sees the wall pretending to be a door.
The Third eye sees the math genius using a calculator.
The Third eye sees Bill sneaking money.
The Third eye sees Wade eating stolen food.
The Third eye sees strange people hiding food in New York, Boston, and Tokyo.
The Third Eye sees the Three Blind Mice with their tails still on.
The Third Eye sees the cow jump over the moon.
The Third Eye sees grizzly bears dance ballet.
The Third Eye notices Hannah eat one million dumplings.
The Third Eye notices Chelsea's bunny play with Peter Rabbit.
"Let her have Harvey," suggested one of the nurses, smiling. I had been talking to the attending physician about which patient I should take next. "Oh yes," the attending said. "You'll love Harvey. He's a doll." As a second-year emergency medicine resident, I rotated through several hospitals --which meant that it took me much longer to get to know the regulars. Harvey was a thin, pale, white man in his mid-forties. He was clean but still somehow looked disheveled. The only remarkable feature about Harvey was his eyes, which were astonishingly clear and blue. "I'll take him to the eye room," the nurse said to me, and Harvey followed her, quiet and obedient. "What's the story that everyone but me knows about this fellow?" I asked. "Take a look at his file in the computer," the attending said. "You'll see." Harvey had been in the emergency department a total of seventy-seven times within twenty-three months. Every chief complaint was ocular - "painful eye," "scratched eye," "reported burn to right eye." It went on and on. "This is incredible. This guy's been here over seventy times in two years, all for eye issues." The attending smiled. "Just wait til you meet him." When I walked into the opthalmology room, I saw Harvey in his seat by the ocular lamp, wringing his hands. "I'm Dr. Finkel. What brings you here today?" Harvey looked anxious. "I have paint in my right eye," he said. "I brought the paint brushes to show you." "When did this happen?" I asked. "An hour ago. I brought the brushes to show you." "I see," I continued. "And how do you know that you got paint in your eye?" "I could feel it immediately!" he exclaimed defensively. Harvey seemed irritated, and crossed and re-crossed his legs several times. "I brought the paint brushes to show you." I decided I'd better look at the paintbrushes. He reenacted five or six times how he accidentally turned the paintbrush toward himself momentarily and how, consequently, the paint was hurled into his right eye. "Let's take a look then," I said. I didn't want to offend him again in any way.
"Let her have Harvey," suggested one of the nurses, smiling.
I had been talking to the attending physician about which patient I should take next.
"Oh yes," the attending said. "You'll love Harvey. He's a doll."
As a second-year emergency medicine resident, I rotated through several hospitals --which meant that it took me much longer to get to know the regulars.
Harvey was a thin, pale, white man in his mid-forties. He was clean but still somehow looked disheveled. The only remarkable feature about Harvey was his eyes, which were astonishingly clear and blue.
"I'll take him to the eye room," the nurse said to me, and Harvey followed her, quiet and obedient.
"What's the story that everyone but me knows about this fellow?" I asked.
"Take a look at his file in the computer," the attending said. "You'll see."
Harvey had been in the emergency department a total of seventy-seven times within twenty-three months. Every chief complaint was ocular - "painful eye," "scratched eye," "reported burn to right eye." It went on and on.
"This is incredible. This guy's been here over seventy times in two years, all for eye issues."
The attending smiled. "Just wait til you meet him."
When I walked into the opthalmology room, I saw Harvey in his seat by the ocular lamp, wringing his hands.
"I'm Dr. Finkel. What brings you here today?"
Harvey looked anxious.
"I have paint in my right eye," he said. "I brought the paint brushes to show you."
"When did this happen?" I asked.
"An hour ago. I brought the brushes to show you."
"I see," I continued. "And how do you know that you got paint in your eye?"
"I could feel it immediately!" he exclaimed defensively. Harvey seemed irritated, and crossed and re-crossed his legs several times. "I brought the paint brushes to show you."
I decided I'd better look at the paintbrushes.
He reenacted five or six times how he accidentally turned the paintbrush toward himself momentarily and how, consequently, the paint was hurled into his right eye.
"Let's take a look then," I said. I didn't want to offend him again in any way.
Harvey knew the eye exam as well as I did, and he sat remarkably still throughout, something most patients find uncomfortable.
"Where do you live, sir?" I asked as I worked.
"A few miles away. I work at the supermarket on the corner. I work forty-six hours a week. I like my job. I like to paint even better but I can't make money doing that." Harvey barely moved his mouth as he spoke, never once interfering with my exam. "I feel some of that paint in my right eye for sure."
"Do you live alone?"
"Yeah, but my sister lives next door. She has two children. I paint their faces," Harvey said. "I can still feel that paint in my eye."
I reached for the opthalmoscope attached to the wall.
"How old are your sister's kids?" I asked as I looked through the scope.
"They're five and seven. I hope that paint isn't going to hurt my eye," he said. "I like to paint their faces and other people's faces too."
Harvey continued to talk, and as the exam proceeded, I concluded that there was absolutely nothing I could detect wrong with either eye.
I was afraid to tell him the good news.
"Well Harvey," I started, "The paint in your eye has dissolved without causing any damage. Both of your eyes look fine now. What do you think?"
"Okay," he sighed. "I'll just use those eye-wetting drops like usual then."
"Do you have a way home?" I was surprised at how well he was taking the news of his good ocular health.
"Yeah. My sister's outside. I brought some new pictures. I gave them to the nurse, Marci. Thank you doctor." And with that, Harvey left.
Around 4:30 in the morning, when things had quieted down, I went to see Marci in triage.
"Harvey was here today...he told me he had brought some pictures he made. Do you know where they are?"
"Yeah. I put them in there with all the others." She pointed toward the drawer behind her.
When I opened the drawer, I found a stack of portraits - some were painted, some sketched. One was drawn in crayon. The subjects in Harvey's portraits were men, women and children of all ages, and each was unique. There was only one thing that all of Harvey's subjects had in common. None of them had eyes.
Dr. Michelle Finkel is an attending in the Emergency Department of the Massachusetts General Hospital.
Dr. Michelle Finkel is an attending in the Emergency Department of the Massachusetts General Hospital.
CARCAR BOY HERO: A REFLECTION OF APATHY AMIDST POVERTY AND TRAGEDY, but sometimes, stories have happy events, but not always a happy ending.
Cebu Daily News
Last updated 02:05pm (Mla time) 06/26/2007
Cebu, Philippines - The future appears brighter for a nine-year-old boy who saved his five-year-old brother from a fire that engulfed their home in an interior village in southern Carcar town last Saturday.
The chancellor of a big university in Cebu City has pledged to provide free education and P10,000 in financial assistance to Antonio “Dan Boy” Fernandez Jr. and his family.
The provincial government also promised to extend assistance to help the boy's family rebuild their home in Sitio (district) Cambuntan, Barangay (village) Bolinawan in Carcar, which was gutted down by the fire caused by an unattended kerosene lamp.
Candice Gotianuy, daughter of the president and owner of the University of Cebu (UC), Augusto Go, said she would provide a scholarship to Dan Boy from grade school to college. She would also give P10,000 in financial help the boy and his family.
She said she was moved by the story of Dan Boy which came out in Cebu Daily News on Monday.
“I'm doing this because I was touched with the statement of the boy wanting to work in a bakery because there is bread,” she said.
Gotianuy said the boy needs an education if the family is pinning their hopes on him.
She said Sr. Sandra Clemente, UC community extension officer, would coordinate with Carcar Mayor Patrick Barcenas to locate the family and inform them of the good news.
Linda Vasquez, a staff member of Carcar Municipal Social Welfare, said Antonio Fernandez Sr. brought along his three sons - Dan Boy, five-year-old Nathaniel and three-year-old Kent – to their office on Monday morning to ask for help.
But she said the family was told to return on July 2.
Vasquez said they would have wanted to give the family P3,000 – the maximum amount that the town could extend to fire victims. But they were prohibited to do so due to the scheduled plebiscite for the town's conversion into a city on July 1, she added.
Cebu Governor Gwendolyn Garcia promised to help the boy's family and sent provincial social worker Marivic Garces to assess their needs.
“We are extending financial assistance to rebuild their house and we are also giving them assistance in kind...we will maximize the assistance, as to how much we are allowed to give,” she said.
She also instructed the social worker to make the necessary arrangement with the Carcar municipal government to ensure that the family would have a place to stay in.
“I hope to meet him (Dan Boy) soon. I plan to give him citation. Yup, I am seriously thinking of giving him educational assistance,” she said.
While Garces had yet to submit her report and recommendation, the provincial government, in the meantime, would give rice, sardines and noodles to the family.
Dan Boy was playing with his brother Kent in his aunt's home in Cambuntan on Saturday afternoon when he heard Nathaniel crying and saw smoke coming from their home.
He immediately ran home. Their father Antonio Sr. was out driving a trisikad (a bicycle with side car) to earn a living.
Dan Boy got scared when he saw Nathaniel crying a few feet away from the door, as the fire crept behind his brother. He immediately ran up, carried his brother and stormed out of the house.
He wanted to go back to get some clothes but the fire had already engulfed his home.
Antonio Sr. and the three kids are forced to take shelter in a two-meter-by-1.5-meter open shanty located near the ricefields after their relatives and neighbors refused to take them into their homes.
They were afraid that the bad luck that struck the Fernandez family would spread to them – a superstitious belief associated to fire victims. It was widely believed in the neighborhood that they should wait three days before they would invite fire victims to their homes because by then, the bad luck had dissipated.
Although they did not save anything, not even a single piece of clothing, Antonio Sr. is grateful that he still has his children.
He said he was also thankful for his son's quick thinking.
Dan Boy has been assuming the responsibility of taking care of his younger siblings whenever their father was out of the house to work. He would cook for them and feed them.
Because he has to take care of his siblings, Dan Boy has to stop going to school.
But he has simple dreams: “Gusto kong motrabaho sa bakery, kay naay daghang pan (I want to work in a bakery because there is plenty of bread there).” /with reports from Chief of Reporters Suzzane S. Alueta
thanks to Uncle Vip for the buzz
By DEBBIE NEWBY, Associated Press Writer
June 26, 2007
FAYETTEVILLE, Ga. (AP) -- Pro wrestler Chris Benoit canceled a pay-per-view appearance at the "Vengeance" event in Houston because of "personal reasons" a day before he, his wife and their 7-year-old son were found dead in an apparent murder-suicide.
Details of the deaths "are going to prove a little bizarre" when released to the public, Fayette County District Attorney Scott Ballard told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Autopsies were scheduled Tuesday by the Georgia Bureau of Investigation in DeKalb County.
Authorities were investigating the deaths at a secluded Fayette County home as a murder-suicide and were not seeking any suspects.
Investigators believe Benoit, (pronounced ben-WAH) killed his wife and son over the weekend and then himself sometime Monday. The bodies were found Monday afternoon in three different rooms of the house on Green Meadow Lane, in a subdivision off a gravel road about two miles from the Whitewater Country Club.
Ballard told The Associated Press a gun was not used in any of the deaths. But he declined to say how the three died.
"We're pretty sure we know, but we want to confirm it with the crime lab," Ballard said early Tuesday.
Fayette County Coroner C.J. Mowell did not return phone calls. The answering service for his funeral home said he was out of town.
World Wrestling Entertainment said on its Web site that it asked authorities to check on Benoit and his family after being alerted by friends who received "several curious text messages sent by Benoit early Sunday morning."
Sheriff's Lt. Tommy Pope told WSB-TV that the three were found about 2:30 p.m., but he wouldn't release other details.
Stamford, Conn.-based WWE also said on its Web site it had been asked by authorities not to release further information on the deaths of Benoit, 40; his wife, Nancy, 43; and son, Daniel.
Benoit was born in Montreal. He was a former world heavyweight champion, Intercontinental champion and held several tag-team titles over his career. He was known by several names including "The Canadian Crippler."
"WWE extends its sincerest thoughts and prayers to the Benoit family's relatives and loved ones in this time of tragedy," the company said in a statement on its Web site.
Benoit had maintained a home in metro Atlanta from the time he wrestled for the defunct World Championship Wrestling.
The WWE canceled its live "Monday Night RAW" card in Corpus Christi, Texas, and USA Network aired a three-hour tribute to Benoit in place of the scheduled wrestling telecast.
Benoit's wife managed several wrestlers and went by the stage name, "Woman," The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.
They met when her then-husband drew up a script that had them involved in a relationship as part of an ongoing story line on World Championship Wrestling, the newspaper said.
Benoit has two other children from a prior relationship.
adapted from San Antonio Low Vision Club
Thank God, the eye is saved by a kevlar visor! And Mr. BUSH is slaughtering them by the dozen. Only in this crazy world.
Wiley X SG1 goggles - battle tested, US Marines approved.pictures deleted as requested by mr burnside.
Okay, you’ve made up your mind to be a marine biologist. Never mind the horror in the eyes of your parents, the disbelief on the faces of your “friends”, and that faintly disoriented look your cat always has when she lies on your lap and kneads your abdomen.
You know that you are not going to be a marine biologist in order to talk to dolphins or make obscene amounts of money. Rather, you realize that you are driven by a higher and purer calling. You are like some 6th Century European shepherd who sees an image of the Emperor Justinian on the rear end of a ewe and decides to carry the animal on his back to Constantinople to show the Emperor. The fact that on his way he is waylaid by Lombards, sold into slavery, and winds up as a tax preparer in northern Italy should not in any way dissuade you from your own personal crusade.
here are the questions i emailed you for the Interview me; Have fun!
Wow now im in a panic hoping to come up with really good questions for you.
So here it goes:
1. What is the best thing about being an eye doctor?
The IT moment always happen ( with a relief on your part that you're done with the surgery), upon removing the eye bandage, the patient, will now sport a big smile, "hayaga, doktora, oi", then the mischievous-cum-shy-smile will now appear paired with a hush, "tambok di ay ka doktor, noh? di man gud maklaro sa una". And i will banter now by telling her, "tambok ko, Nang, pero sexy! pero kung imong duha na ka-mata atong ma-operahan, maka-ingon jud kag, sexy nga gwapa man di ay ni akong doktora oi."
Next follow up, act surprise when she will give you a kilo of mango, avocado or a bayong of vegetables from their little farm down deep in the mountains or she will bring you a live chicken bisaya placed inside a "buyot".
Now, tell me if it isn't that the best thing that can happen to you or to anyone.
When the PC arrives, my reason to my husband dearie for the broadband connection was to search for websites that could fast track our immigration plans.
But, my oh my, i stumbled upon bisayabloggers by googling bisaya. I read the posts (i didn't know it was called blogs then) and i started to click some buttons and it has brought me to thousand and one sites. I was starting to have fun with what I'm reading in the bisayabloggers. Whereas, before, my web surfing would be limited to Philippine Daily Inquirer and some Canada/USA/Australia for immigration sites, now i completely forgot about them, preferring instead to blog surf my links and to do some little blogging on the sides (im still learning about the paid blogs/survey routine, ha! the endless search for dollars, oink,oink,oink).
And now im hooked. What was i thinking? Btw, the hubby is my number one fan and my critique and he doesn't mind paying the broadband now. And yes, we let our immigration plans sit for awhile, we love the Philippines too much and we hate the chores we're forced to do with migration. I wouldn't be doctor, he wouldn't be lawyer.
All to gain nothing to lose.
And oh, still don't know how to use my palm, i gave it to my sister na lang.
Then we will tour the various old spanish houses in the town and then you will learn how not to take care of your heritage by just a glance at this houses. Poor houses. But why spend on the outside when you're stomach is growling with hunger. And oh, you will also learn how not to become a poor old rich person as part of the tour.
As a requisite, you have to see the old Carcar Dispensary with the swimming pool, now decrepit, and imagine the glory days of its usefulness.
Balay na Tisa is an overrated place, but at least i can bring you somewhere where the family still cared for their heritage. And you will have blast with the higante statues of the 12 apostles in the Carcar Plaza, this was made by the late Martino Abellana, an underrated pupil of Fernando Amorsolo, who I think has been forgotten by local government of Carcar.
Lest, I be misunderstood, i love my Carcar very much. And what is now happening in Carcar is fast becoming a International phenomenon.
Change is the only thing that doesn't CHANGE.
4. "If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why"
Power is a big responsibility, how much more a SUPERPOWER, it is a bigger responsibility.
Better be like JOCJOC, his superpower can still be formed and molded according to how he is being brought up by the Incredible family.
5. Given a chance to do interview past and present prominent people, who would you choose and what will be your first question for him/her?
Honey, how could you have done this thing to yourself? Are you crazy?
You're such an idiot, gurl.
so if you wanna be interviewed, here are the rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone
else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five
Looking forward to reading your answers in your blog!
Thank you, Ayeza.
|Your Kisses Are Medium-Hot|
Your kisses are definitely sexy, but you're not about to make anyone gasp for air.
You take it slow and steady... and you ramp things up when you get the right signals.
Your kissing style is adaptable and adept. And people who kiss you love it!
|You Are An Orange Girl|
You live in the fast lane. You love action, risk, and competition.
You're spontaneous, enthusiastic, and persuasive.
But you're also easily bored - and love to rebel against structures.
You resent rules ... as well as people's attempts to control you!
|You Are Basic Panties|
You are a laid back chick with a real natural beauty.
You can make unwashed hair and minimal make-up super sexy.
Men tend to notice you show the "real you" - and they appreciate it.
And while basic makes boring for some, it looks classic on you.
Possessing a rare combination of wisdom and humility, while serenely dominating your environment you selflessly use your powers to care for others. Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. Galadriel is a character in the Middle-Earth universe. You can read more about her at the Galadriel Worshippers Army.
Ang ibang Bisaya, di ko maintindihan. Ang Ingles ng isda, pis. Ng mukha, pis. Ng payapa, pis. Pati pandikit, pis. Minsan may nagtanong sa akin kung saan ako nakatira kung sa Pis 1 daw ba o Pis 2. Piste talaga.
FLY CEBU PACIFIC: You Fly in CEBU and Land in the PACIFIC Ocean.
A Woman's Prayer
at 20- Lord, I want the best man.
at 30- Lord, I want any man.
at 40- Lord, please naman!!!!
ACCOUNTING TRANSLATION II
ENGLISH = TAGALOG
DATA ENTRY = Date muna bago pasok
ADJUSTING ENTRY = Hinanap muna bago pinasok
DEBIT ENTRY = Pinasok
CREDIT ENTRY = Hinugot
WRONG ENTRY = Napasok sa puwit
ACCOUNTING ENTRY = Pagbilang ng pasok
OFFSETTING ENTRY = Pasok-Hugot-Pasok-Hugot
CLOSING ENTRY = Panghuling pasok
BALANCING ENTRY = Babae and nasa ibabaw
BALANCE SHEET = Kumot/o sapin para sa Balancing Entry
MONTH END CLOSING = Meron
LOSS = Nilabasan ang lalaki
PROFIT = Napunta sa babae
INTEREST = Nabuo
INTEREST EARNED NOT COLLECTED = Nabuo pero di pa nanganganak
TRIAL BALANCE = Sa ibabaw and babae pero di pa pinapasok
BALANCE FORWARDED = Sa ibabaw and babae pero pinasok na
CLOSING BALANCE = Sinara na ang zipper
ZERO BALANCE = Malambot na
LIQUIDATION = Gumamit ng pampadulas
BANKRUPTCY = Ayaw nang labasan
CONSOLIDATION = Sabay nilabasan
SINGIT -- SINnangaG at ITlog
PWET -- Pinakbet With Ensaladang Talong
TINGIL -- TINortang Galunggong In Lard
FININGER -- FIsh Nuggets IN GingER sauce
TITI -- TInapay at TInapa
PUKE -- PUto with Keso
PAKANTUT -- PAnsit KANton with TUTsie roll
SALSAL -- SALmon with SALabat
TSUPA -- TSUkolate at PAndesal
PAKAPLOG -- PAndesal KAPe at itLOG
Mga Miss World Contestants:
3rd runner-up Miss Russia, Yarina Gustopa,
2nd runner-up Miss Hawaii, Dedeco Laylayna.
1st runner-up Miss Japan, Susumo Sinusuko.
The winner is Miss Korea, Fukiko Mikuto.
DIFFERENT KINDS OF COCKS:
Cute - COCKatuwa
Lousy - COCKainis
Large - COCKagana
Xtra Large - COCKasuka
Small - COCKapirangot
Sobrang small - COCKaduling!!!
Mga tipo ng babae habang nakikipag-sex:
Submissive - "Bahala ka na, ipasok mo na"
Enduring - "Aray! Sige pa, kaya ko pa."
Scandalous - "P*tangina mo, sige pa!"
Unsatisfied - "Ano ba `yan? Idiin mo pa kaya, `no?"
Mag asawa nag se-sex:
LALAKI: Bakit maluwag na ito?
BABAE: Paano diyan ko minsan kinukuha yong pambayad ng koryente, tubig, matrikula at pati na sigarilyo mo!
Husband telling house rules to wife: I WILL EAT WHEN I WANT TO EAT & COME HOME WHEN I WANT TO!
Wife: OK, BUT THERE WILL BE SEX at 7 PM WITH or WITHOUT YOU
boy guwapo + girl ganda = made in heaven
boy guwapo + girl panget = true love
boy panget + girl ganda = galing diskarte
boy panget + girl panget = no choice
Bride back from honeymoon crying:
Friend: Anong nangyari sayo?
Bride: Yung sa asawa ko parang bote.
Friend: E di okay! ang sarap non! ba't ka umiiyak?
Bride: Anong masarap?! Bote ng WHITE FLOWER!!!
TOP SEX MOVIES OF 1999:
1. Shaving Ryan's Private
3. Meet Blowjob
4. I Know Who U Did Last Summer
5. D Six Sex
7. the Generals Did Her
Q: Is this your car? A: Otomoto?
Q: Is this my car? A: Otokoto?
Q: Is this your noodles? A: Mikimoto
Q: I'll take this. A: Kukuninkoto
Q: This is my desk. A: Itodesko
Q: Speechless? A: Wasabe?
Q: I have a lot of things to do A: Hironako
Q: An ampalaya (bittermelon)? A: Kurukurubot
Q: What are your thoughts? A: Kuru-kuromo?
Q: I am thinking. A: Munimuniko
Q: Are you playing the guitar? A: Gigitaraka?
Q: Is this your underwear? A: Jakeemoto?
Q: Are you annoyed already? A: Iniskanabane?
Q: You're crazy!!! A: Sirauromo!!!
Q: You're drooling!!! A: Turorawayka!!
Turn -- Le Coup
Liter -- Le True
Behind -- Le Could
Alms -- Le Mousse
Five -- Le Ma
Fly -- Le Pad
Skin Dirt -- Le Bag
Confused -- Le Tou
Cute -- A Coup
Cough -- U VOU
Ashes -- A VOU
Naked -- HU VOU
Car -- RE VOU
Baloon -- LO VOU
Dance -- MAM VOU
Sink -- LA VA VOU
Erap -- VO VOU
Lovelines through the years
1950s -- Iniirog kita.
1960s -- Iniibig kita.
1970s -- Minamahal kita.
1980s -- I love you.
1990s -- Tara sa kwarto.
2000s -- Pwede na rito.
Q: What COFFEE causes Breast Cancer?
Q: what COFFEE causes Breast Lumps?
Q: What COFFEE causes Vaginal Irritation?
A: KAPEpinger, SO AVOID COFFEE
A Girl's Story of SMB
Stroke My Butt
Suck My Boobs
Share My Bed
Shalalala Me Baby (9 months later)
Support My Baby
Dats SMB! Sarap Mo Baby!!!
Girl 1: Ang gamit ko shampu, para laging madulas.
Girl 2: Ang gamit ko Fit, para laging ready to eat.
Girl 3: Ako Joy, sang patak, kaya ang sangkatutak.
A couple making love
Husband: Hon, ang kinis mo
Wife: Alaga sa lotion!
Husband: Sexy mo
Wife: Alaga sa aerobics!
Husband: Hon, bilog na bilog boobs mo
Wife: Alaga ng pare mo!
HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib ko. aprob agad ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana bird mo para may dagdag-disability.
Man 1: My wife is crazy with cars. While asleep, holds my dick and says "Primera, Segunda".
Man 2: Mine is worse. While asleep, takes my dick and says "Full tank please."
Panty colors and what they symbolize:
Yellow- Sweet taste
New Filipino Ligngo
1. aspect - pantusok ng yelo
2. backlog - bacon saka egg
3. beehive - magpakatino ka
4. cdrom - tingnan mo ang kwarto
5. city - bago mag-utso
6. cattle - doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
7. debug - ang ipis
8. dedicated - pinatay ang pusa
9. deduct - ang pato
10. defeat - ang paa
11. defense - ang bakod
12. defer - ang balahibo
13. deflate - ang plato
14. defrag - ang palaka
15. delusion - e di maluwag
16. depends - (see defense)
17. deposit - ang gripo
18. depress - nagkasal sa persuading (see persuading)
19. detail - ang buntot
20. detest - ang eksamin
21. devalue - ‘yon ang susunod sa letrang ‘V’
22. devastation - ‘dun sasakay ng bus
23. devote - ang boto
24. dilemma - brownout, a!
25. effort - ‘dun nagla-land ang efflane
26. forums - apat na kwarto
27. it depends - kainin mo ang bakod
28. july - nagsinungaling ka ba?
29. statue - ikaw ba ‘yan?
30. protestant - tindahan ng prutas.
31. predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa
32. profit - patunayan mo
33. persuading - unang kasal
34. tenacious - sinusuot sa paa
35. thesis - ito ay
36. torpedo - takot manligaw
37. zoology - ang sayans ng pagtatahi
Women & Wine
at age 13-18: its like shandy;
51-55: rubbing alcohol; and
56 & above: like formalin!
Text Messaging Short Cuts
TB - Text Back
TT - Text Tayo
TTLAKI - Text Tayo Later AKo Intay
KKLIIT - Kuripot Ka, Lagi Intay Ikaw Text
PUKIMO - Pag Uwi Ko I-text Mo ko, Okey?
Ito tunay na SMB..
Sama Mo Babae
Silip Mo Boobs
Suklay Mo Buhok
Salat Mo Butas
Sipsip Mo Biyak
Saksak Mo Btuta
Sakali Ma Buntis,
Suport Mo BATA!
Remigio Batungbacal - Remington Steel
Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur
Federico Hagibis - Federal Express
Eleoterio Ignacio - Electronic Ignition
Casimiro Bukaykay - Cashmir Bouquet
Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti
Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite
Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
Francisco Portero - Frank Furter
Diosdado Durante - Deo Dorant
Ito na lang ang bilhin mo signatures na signatures ang dating.
YSL-------Yari Sa Laguna.
UCB-------Under the Coconut tree in Baclaran.
DKNY------Divisoria Kanto Ng Ylaya.
RL--------Rizal sa Luneta.
At pag suot mo tong mga ito pare, pang GQ model ang dating mo sa magazines:
GQ------ Galing Quiapo ----------
Jude: Dad, macho na ba ako? May tattoo na ako sa dibdib!
Erap: Agila ba o Dragon?
Jude: Ah...Eh...Hello Kitty!
Totoo nga kaya na ang mga CUTE ay mahina sa sfeling and foor sa gramar?
My Gas! Did they sure? What does they proof? It is hurts to us... I don't believe these!!
SPEAKER: Who among you had experienced having sex with a ghost? (A farmer raised his hand)
SPEAKER: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
FARMER: Ay akala ko goats!!!
Q: Anong celfone ng mga gumagamit ng viagra?
Q: Eh ng mga malibog?
Q: Ng mga naninilip?
Q: Ng mga nagbabasa ng tabloid?
POOH Family HISTORY:
Thats all POOHKS
12 Reasons Why Cellphones are better than women;
12. A Cellphone don't get mad if you wake it up suddenly.
11. A Cellphone wouldn't cost you so much if you pick it up often.
10. A Cellphone doesn't care how many other Cellphones you have had in the past.
9. You can go to sleep with 2 to 3 cellphones at a time.
8. A Cellphone doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7. Once you turn it on, A Cellphone will stay turned on for days.
6. You can feel and try out a Cellphone before you take it home.
5. A Cellphone wouldn't get angry if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Cellphone you can just throw it away.
3. When in a party, a Cellphone doesn't get jealous around other Cellphones.
2. A Cellphone doesn't care if you watch TV or play with the computer all day.
1. A Cellphone doesn't get mad if you silence it while it's making a sound.
Top Reasons why Cellphone TEXTing is better than sex.
15. You can do it with your clothes on.
14. You can do it 24 hrs of a day, in almost any place.
13. You can usually find someone to do it with.
12. If you don't like what you see, you can just turn it off.
11. If you get tired, you can stop, save it, pick up where you left off.
10. You don't have to spend a lot and take her out.
9. After you do it 2 to 3 times, you don't feel tired at all.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a Text for the first time, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. You can do it, drink beer, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
4. You can do it even when you're far apart from each other
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
3. Sometimes, you can even have somebody else do it for you.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help
IF YOU HAVE ANY DEPOSITS TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING BANKS- PAN ASIA, BANCO DE ORO, COCO BANK. PLS. WITHDRAW YOUR MONEY IMMEDIATELY. THEY WILL MERGE AS ONE. THEY HAVE A NEW NAME NOW 'PANDECOCO'.
DID YOU KNOW THAT BROD MIKE VELARDE KICKED OUT ALL D GAYS FROM EL SHADDAI? THEY GOT MAD AND FORMED THEIR OWN "DIOSKODAI"
DENTIST: Hiwalay na tayo. Nagdududa na ang Mister mo.
BABAE: But I love you.
DENTIST: Sorry, sweetheart, ubos nang "alibi" mo. Isang NGIPIN na lang ang natitira sa iyo!
DERMATOLOGIST: Mam,Mukha yatang mahirap tanggalin tong mga wrinkles sa mukha mo...kulubot na ang mukha mo, your face is already sagging.
Lady: Mahilig kasi akong kumain ng saging eh!
AIZA - IQ - 135 Promil user till Age 5
RYAN - IQ - 140 Promil user till age 7
JINGGOY - IQ - UNSTABLE - Promil overdose
ERAP - LOW IQ - Promil user until now. Still no progress.
The phone rings and the maid pick up the phone as her master is at the shower.
When caller the ask what is he doing?
The maid replied: "Masterbathing!"
What traffic rules best describe a woman's organ?
1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. men working
4. stop on RED signal, proceed when GREEN
Bading nasa meatshop...
BADING: Pabili nga ng 1 whole German sausage.
TINDERA:Chop-chopin ko na?
BADING:Wag!!! Anong kala mo sa pwet ko alkansya?!
Qualities of a good blowjob:
1) RELIGIOUS (lumuluhod)
2) JUDY ANN LOOK-A-LIKE (malaki panga)
3) SWIMMER (mahaba hininga)
4) BUNGAL (para hinde sabit ngipin)
5) MALAKI TENGA (para handy)
6) MALAPAD ULO (para patungan ng beer)
WOMAN TO DOCTOR: Thank you for making me a virgin again for my wedding night. It was perfect, the blood the pain and it only costs P50. How did you do it?/
DOCTOR: I tied your pubic hair together.
CONVICT: Father forgive me for I have sinned.
PRIEST: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
CONVICT: Father, pinapatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo ba naniniwala sa kanya?
PRIEST: Sino yon?
During a press conference on morality...
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16 !!!
Erap: Because the priest says:
Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.
LETS TALK ABOUT BOOBS:
WALA BOOBS --- WALANJO
MALIIT ANG BOOBS -- MEDJO
MALAKI ANG BOOBS -- MOUNTAINJO
SUPERLAKING BOOBS --- BAZOOKAJO
LAWLAW NA BOOBS --- OVERJO
BADING NA MAY BOOBS - REMEDJO
Chim Pan SY
Asawa: Di ko katog, daghan kaayong lamok. Iyota ko beh!
Bana: Unsay pagtuo nimo sa akong uten, Baygon?!
Si Juan, nga bisayang dako, miadto sa Manila. Pero paglabang niya sa karsada naligsan siya jeep mao nga nabali ang iyang paa. Sa hospital, gipangutana siya sa doctor, "Kumusta na ang kalagayan ninyo?"
Matod pa ni Juan, "Ang akong paa may nabali. Nganong ang akong lagay may imong gipangumusta?!"
SA SULOD SA SINEHAN
Si Bungol, si Libat ug si Buta nagsabot nga manan-aw sila ug sine kay wala pa gayud sila kasud ug sinehan sukad-sukad. Maong sa paglingkud nila sa sulod sa Vision Theater:
Bungol: (misyagit) Balik pulta, walay sound, walay sound hoy psssst!
Libat: (misyagit sab) Kuwadro! Kuwadro!
Buta: Hoy mga kolokoy! Wala pa gani magsugod!
Si Buta, si Libat, ug si Bungi nakakita ug away. Gihingian sila sa mga estambay pero wa la man sila mohatag. Mao nga nakigsinumbagay ang tulo.
Buta: Mga talawan, ayaw mog panago
Libat: Tagsa-tagsa lang!
Bungi: Mahala nag mga mungi!
Usa ka madre nagpacheckup sa clinic. Pero nasayop ang laboratory kay nailisan iyang urine sample sa specimen sa babay nga mabdos.
Doctor: Sister, ang resulta sa imong test miingon nga mabdos ka.
Madre: Doctor, makamabdos diay nang kandila?
Inahan: Nag-unsa man mo sa imong trato sa sulod sa imong lawak gabii, nga saba man mo kaayo? Puwerte ra bang singgit nimo og Kalami!
Rosario: Si mama sab uy. Wa man miy gibuhat nga dautan ba. Gipakaun lang ko niya og hotdog nga lami kaayo.
Inahan: Mao ba. Diay napkin opahiri na imong ngabil kay naay mayonnaise nga nahabilin
Juan: Bay Pedro, guol kaayo ko. Mingaw na kaayo ko sa akong asawa nga milangyaw sa Amerika.
Pedro: Ang kinahanglan nimo, bay Tiramid 500.
Juan: Unsa nang Tiramid 500
Pedro: Tirahi imong maid. Bayrig 500.
Wi du da seym ting:
US NAVY-(chewing bubble gum) in United States those four sided parts
of the bread are not eaten.
US NAVY-Well,We put it in a recycle bin and make biscuits from it and
send it to the Philippines.
FILIPINA-(medyo naasar) ahhh!!..wi du da seym ting!!(we do
the same thing)..
FILIPINA-In the PHILIPPINES We do not throw USED CONDOMS.
FILIPINA-We make bubble gums from those,and send it to
US NAVY-PWAAAAA!!!!(sabay luwa ng bubble gum).
Women's Lib International Conference
The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband,Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast Lamb."
(The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said,"After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day,I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day,I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
(The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, a Filipino lady from Visayas, stood up and said, "Aftir lass year's kampirince, I win hum(went home) and tuld dat lazy husband op mines, Pidro, dat I was tro getting his slippers, kuking his meals ol da tyme, washing his undirwir and dat he was guing to hab to do dem himsilf.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued,"Aftir da first day, I see nating. Aftir da secun day,agin I see nating, but aftir da tird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
KONSEHAL: Paki acknowledge c Mayor. Late dumating, hayun kararaan lang!
PEDRO (Emcee): I WUD LYK TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LATE MAYOR HU JUST PASSED AWAY..
conductor: sibog² gamay kay molarga nata, kanang imong anak noy..sabaka nalang na.
Amahan: Nabuang na! nisakay gani mi kay nagdali, sa BAKA na hinoon nimo pasakyon.
ANAK: Tay, paliti ko bi ug Jucyfruwet
TATAY: anak, dili magbinulok, dili man na jucyfruwet
ANAK: unsa man diay na tay??
usaka hubog nakakita ug madre sa dalan
iya kining gisumbag, gi tadjakan, gibalibag
bugbug sarado intawon ang madre
mikatawa ang hubog ug mi ingon:
" WA MAN DIAY KAY PULUS BATMAN!"
Bungi niuli sa ila
ug gitabunan niya ang mata
sa iyang asawa..
BUNGI: Nges hu??
ASAWA: Pa - nges hu
nges hu pa ka dira
ikaw ray bungi dinhi sa atong
PEDRO: puslan walay gamahal
ug c pedro ni dive sa SUBA
few minutes later.........
NITUNGHA ug nisulti: WAAAAAAHHHH!
dili ko kaginhawa.
MURA KO UG MAMATAY!
ANAK: Nay,,nag tambling tambling
gud me sa skul ganina..
NANAY: Di ba ingon man ko ayaw
pag tambling tambling kay makita imo panty?
ANAK: Gisulod man naku sa Bag ako Panty Nay..
Laki: Kuhaon ko ang mga bitoon og ihatag ko kanimo.
Babae: saba diha! wa man gali ka kakuha anang kugmo gatambisay sa imong ilong...
Laki: AW! sorry day ha..wala man gud ko nasayod nga gusto sad ka ani.....
------- Isa ka pirata gi interview sa reporter.
Reporter: Nganong imong pikas tiil kahoy man?
Pirata: Ah, naigo ni sa bala unya giputul giilisan na lang ug kahoy.
Reporter: Imong toong kamot naa may hook?
Pirata: Ah, naputol ni sa espada diha nga duna kuy kaaway.
Reporter: Unya imong pikas mata duna man nai itum nga tabon? (eye patch).
Pirata: Ah, naithan ni ug langgam unya nabuta.
Reporter: Ha? Makabuta diay nang iti sa langgam?
Pirata: Gilugud man gud nako sa akong toong kamut.